Dying is easy. One quick pull of the trigger, a bottle of pills to ease you into a permanent sleep or if you’re really in it bad, the next transport coming around a corner will gladly do the job.

Am I shocking you? When you’re down in the black hole of depression, a funny thing happens to your mind. It turns inward on itself, and thoughts of relief come fast and furious. The pain of living with whatever your particular problems are seems too much  to bear. So much so, that the unthinkable becomes immensely attractive.

How do I know this? I have Bi-Polar Disorder, still known in some countries as Manic-Depressive Disorder. And I don’t have the kind that’s triggered by my environment, what is called situational depression. No, mine is the kind that descends on you like a sort of madness, that creates warped filters for you to look out of and try to find your way. Or in my case to simply recognize, then ride the terror out.

And make no mistake. It’s all about terror, about losing control of who you are, of being replaced by a demon so harsh that it can wreck your world or, when I’m in a schizophrenic state,  replacing it with another world entirely.

When in a Manic Phase I don’t think about killing myself, and maybe you. No, instead I feel grandiose. Money loses meaning, my thoughts and ideas become golden, sleep becomes unnecessary, and I destroy myself in more innovative ways. When in a Depressive Phase, the beast comes out. Then no one is safe. Because your thoughts turn only to ending the pain that’s ripping at your very core. And if you let it do that, then all sorts of narcissistic behaviours become possible. And the darker ones always seem to be the easiest ones to pursue. Much easier than turning yourself in to a hospital or locking yourself in a room or putting your head under a pillow and sleeping the day away. Dying is so quick and painless it’s a siren song for the depressed.

We shouldn’t wonder why people take their lives. That’s easy to understand. We should wonder why more people don’t. Because I can tell you from experience, my friend, when the devil takes your mind, dying is easy.

Copyright © 2014 Clayton Clifford Bye

Advertisements